


twitter will kill us all (rewrite)

by gen_z_trash (November_Clouds)



Series: Put Your Phone Away, Peter [2]
Category: Marvel, Marvel Cinematic Universe, Spider-Man (Tom Holland Movies), The Avengers (Marvel Movies)
Genre: ALL MY FUCKING TAGS WERE DELETED, Attempt at Humor, Author Is Still Bad At Tags, Bisexual Peter Parker, Canon Divergence - Avengers: Endgame (Movie), Crack, Flash Thompson Redemption, Fluff and Humor, Gen, Humor, I guess???, Meme Lord Shuri (Marvel), Not Avengers: Endgame (Movie) Compliant, Parley, Pepper Potts Acting as Peter Parker's Parental Figure, Post-Spider-Man: Homecoming, Social Media, Tony Stark Acting as Peter Parker's Parental Figure, Twitter, Twitter AU, abt to die brb, spiderley, what do i pUt
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2020-11-16
Updated: 2021-03-09
Packaged: 2021-03-10 04:07:19
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 17
Words: 4,865
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/27587219
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/November_Clouds/pseuds/gen_z_trash
Summary: spiderman @web_slingerWhat’s crackingAnother day, another twitter au(REWRITE)
Relationships: Clint Barton & Peter Parker, Eventual Ned Leeds/Betty Brant, Harley Keener/Peter Parker, Michelle Jones & Ned Leeds & Peter Parker, Michelle Jones & Ned Leeds & Peter Parker & Shuri, Michelle Jones & Peter Parker, Ned Leeds & Peter Parker, Other Relationship Tags to Be Added, Pepper Potts/Tony Stark, Peter Parker & Avengers Team, Peter Parker & Shuri, Peter Parker & Tony Stark, Peter Parker & Wade Wilson, Wanda Maximoff & Peter Parker
Series: Put Your Phone Away, Peter [2]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/1524806
Comments: 133
Kudos: 699





	1. Peter Makes a Mistake

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Peter makes a twitter account

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> me: i'm gonna wait until i have half of this written, so i can post once a week  
> my brain: lol no
> 
> so here it is!! chapter 1!!

spiderman @web_slinger   
What’s cracking

That Web Dude @web_slinger   
Aight thats better

That Web Dude @web_slinger   
Time to go public—

That Web Dude @web_slinger   
i got a twitter

TStark @IAmIronMan   
kid, what did I tell you about getting a twitter?

That Web Dude @web_slinger   
…not to?

TStark @IAmIronMan   
sigh

TStark @IAmIronMan   
why didn’t you at least use ‘spider-man’ as your handle?

That Web Dude @web_slinger   
@spider_man was taken

audreyyy @spider_man   
guilty as charged

  
  


spider-man fan @excitemintmya*s   
SPIDER-MAN HAS A TWITTER ALL MY DREAMS HAVE COME TRUE!!1!

Iron Miss @avengersfanatic   
wait really??? I need to see this 👀

spider-man fan @excitemintmya*s   
@web_slinger AHH. I’M YOUR BIGGEST FANN

That Web Dude @web_slinger   
@excitemintmya*s thanks 😉

AHHH SPIDER-MAN REPLIED TO ME @excitemintmya*s   
AHHH

perfect shot @birdarcher   
Welcome aboard, @web_slinger

That Web Dude @web_slinger   
:D 👋 hi hawkeye!!!!!

SPIDER-MAN ON TWITTER @fandomlyhappened   
ya know, i never realized how… *young* spider-man was before he got on twitter. when he’s saving lives you don’t really get to see much of his personality beyond his quips. makes you wonder…

SPIDER-MAN ON TWITTER @fandomlyhappened   
also!! iron man was one of the first to reply to his tweet. and they seem familiar? with each other. that’s really sus.

That Web Dude @web_slinger   
guys stop making fan accounts i’m following them as fast as i can

Spider-Man on Twitter @SpideyWatch   
Spider-Man now has a twitter account 👀 Follow him @web_slinger 🕷🕸

BuzzFeed @BuzzFeed   
Spiderman fans are going crazy over new official Spiderman twitter account, seemingly run by the web spinner himself!

That Web Dude @web_slinger   
It’s Spider-Man with a hyphen 😘

HE’S ON TWITTER??? @spideyart   
y’all would not BELIEVE the fear i felt when i got the notification that SPIDER-MAN FOLLOWED ME. 😭 SPIDER-MAN HIMSELF IS GOING TO SEE *MY* ARTWORK OF *HIM*

That Web Dude @web_slinger   
i love supporting small artists!!! your stuff’s really good dude!!!

SJKFHKJDSHFJKDHS @spideyart   
AHDJKFHKSDJFJKH AHHHH TY SPIDEY I LOVE YOU

Flash Flash Hundred Yard Dash @notfromDC   
@web_slinger pls follow me

Flash Flash Hundred Yard Dash @notfromDC   
@web_slinger pls notice me

Flash Flash Hundred Yard Dash @notfromDC   
@web_slinger spider-man i love you

That Web Dude @web_slinger   
thanks man

Flash Flash Hundred Yard Dash @notfromDC   
THATS THE TWEET U REPLY TO DJSAKHDJKHFKJSDJK

spideydraws @emidraws   
to celebrate @/web_slinger’s (im not pinging him dsjfhkj) arrival on twitter, i drew him, soaring above the skies! we love you spider-man! you’re new york’s favorite superhero! [image]

That Web Dude @web_slinger   
oh my god wow! i love it!!!!!!

spideydraws @emidraws

AHHHHHHHHH HOW DID U FIND ME

That Web Dude @web_slinger   
a spider never reveals his secrets 😉

That Web Dude @web_slinger   
i’ve reached my follow limit for the day!!!! i’ll follow lots more of you guys tomorrow, but until then, i’m logging off for the day! see you tomorrow 👋

audreyy @spider_man   
the amount of people who followed me is hilarious lmao i’m basking in this attention 💅💅

audreyyy @spider_man   
follow me on soundcloud soundcloud.com/audreeey-aski

marianne @ophaslostallsanity   
lmao okay

  
Nedthaniel @guyinthechair   
what happened while i was asleep

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> can you tell it's better 🥺


	2. This is peak parley content

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> peter with a b @yeeterparkour  
> Him.
> 
> Nedthaniel @guyinthechair  
> These tweets are getting more and more ominous
> 
> better than you @pricessshuri  
> Peter? You okay over there?

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> happy birthday to ME wooooooooo
> 
> also monday updates!! yeah

peter with a b @yeeterparkour   
I woke up and the sun was shining 😍

peter with a b @yeeterparkour   
Today is going to be a good day

peter with a b @yeeterparkour   
Him.

Nedthaniel @guyinthechair   
These tweets are getting more and more ominous

better than you @pricessshuri   
Peter? You okay over there?

peter with a b @yeeterparkour   
Why can’t time move faster

emjay @crisissketchbook   
There, there, you disaster bisexual

peter with a b @yeeterparkour   
😔

peter with a b @yeeterparkour   
In the caaaarr~~~~

Harley-Davidson @harleyeehaw   
❤️❤️❤️❤️❤️❤️❤️❤️❤️❤️❤️❤️

peter with a b @yeeterparkour   
😊 😀 😊 🥰

emjay @crisissketchbook   
he’s coming

Nedthaniel @guyinthechair   
brace yourselves

better than you @princessshuri   
cover your ears everyone

may-be @mparker   
Look out, New York. Chaos is coming our way.

peter with a b @yeeterparkour   
with my bae [pic of Harley kissing him on the cheek. Their faces are both half offscreen and their cheeks are flushed]

_ @crisissketchbook, @guyinthechair, @mparker and 13 others liked this _

TStark @IAmIronMan   
Kid, where are you?

TStark @IAmIronMan   
Did you sprint down three hallways and  _ jump on him? _

Harley-Davidson @harleyeehaw   
Yes, yes he did.

peter with a b @yeeterparkour   
i regret nothing.

peter with a b @yeeterparkour   
poll: which movie series should i binge watch with my bf?   
**28%** LOTR   
**16%** Jurassic   
**39%** Star Wars   
**17%** Narnia

peter with a b @yeeterparkour   
Glad to see my mutuals have taste ⭐️

Harley-Davidson @harleyeehaw   
@ peter’s mutuals, WHY

peter with a b @yeeterparkour   
[pic of harley asleep on the couch] he’s asleep………….

Harley-Davidson @harleyeehaw   
Planning on ‘waking up’ and scaring him randomly in the movie lol

peter with a b @yeeterparkour   
@harleyeehaw and i are no longer dating i’m sorry we’ve broken up

Harley-Davidson @harleyeehaw   
Im too good for u anyways 😊

emjay @crisissketchbook   
This is peak parley content

may-be @mparker   
[pic of Peter and Harley sound asleep on each other. Their faces are blissful and full of peace] my boys are liars…..asleep in each other’s arms right now

_ @crisissketchbook, @guyinthechair, @princessshuri, @IAmIronMan and 7 others liked this _

  
TStark @IAmIronMan  
Teenagers. Gotta love em.  
2 M rt 1 M likes

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> be gay do crime see you next week


	3. Teenage Shenanigans (what else can ya do)

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> peter with a b @yeeterparkour  
> my name is peter with a b and I’ve been afraid of insects my whole life.
> 
> abe lincoln @abeyman  
> wait wait wait. wheres the bee?

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> forgot it was monday, almost didnt update haha
> 
> if you've been with me before, you'll notice i combined two chapters and i kept some jokes!! past me wasn't COMPLETELY helpless :bonk:
> 
> I've been using so much discord i put colons in front of my emojis. send help.

peter with a b @yeeterparkour   
my name is peter with a b and I’ve been afraid of insects my whole life.

abe lincoln @abeyman   
wait wait wait. wheres the bee?

peter with a b @yeeter parkour   
there’s a bEE?

moon moon @cmoon   
thEres A bEE?

Harley-Davidson @harleyeehaw   
TheREs a BeE?

better than you @princessshuri   
tHerES a BeEE?

perfect shot @birdarcher   
thERes A bEE?

Nedthaniel @guyinthechair   
tHEres a BEe?

Flash Flash Hundred Yard Dash @notfromDC   
thEReS A bEe?

red magic @scarywitchgirl   
THERES A BEE?

emjay @crisissketchbook   
theres a bEE?

peter with a b @yeeterparkour   
thank you all for your contributions to cause

better than you @princessshuri   
@web_slinger how did you defeat @CaptainRogers?

That Web Dude @web_slinger   
I shot him in ze legs becuz his shield is the size of a dinner plate and he iz an idiot.

cap’in @CaptainRogers   
He did. He did do that.

TStark @IAmIronMan   
Ha, suck it Rogers

Iron Miss @avengersfanatic   
IS THIS REAL LIFE

TStark @IAmIronMan   
Anyone want to know what my intern @yeeterparkour did today?

TStark @IAmIronMan   
We were at the store and he picked up a pack of corndogs. When I told him to put them back, he bent over like cheap supermarket spaghetti and said, and I quote “You can’t make me do anything”, while sliding himself across the floor. [video]

peter with a b @yeeterparkour   
no regrets [pic of him holding the corndogs victoriously]

Harley-Davidson @harleyeehaw   
[pic of him and Peter eating corndogs]

_ @princessshuri, @guyinthechair, @crisisketchbook and 4.7k others liked this _

TStark @IAmIronMan  
Are the kids okay  
4 M rt 2.5 M likes

  
  


Harley-Davidson @harleyeehaw   
[video of Harley saying “you know what, I’m just going to say it. I don’t care that you broke your elbow” to Ned] @guyinthechair

Nedthaniel @guyinthechair   
I AM NEVER TESTING OUT YOUR STUFF IN THE LAB EVER AGAIN

better than you @princessshuri   
[video of her and Peter in the store. She sees a package of life savers and goes up to Peter. “girl, guess what they got, guess what” “what” “la-fee-saa-vee-airs”] Only walmart can satisfy my need for niche relatable content

emjay @crisissketchbook   
[video of Peter sitting on a bed. MJ pushes him off. This is Gospel begins to play. “if you love me, let me gooooooo”] too bad I dont love you, loser @yeeterparkour

peter with a b @yeterparkour   
I swear she does

abe lincoln @abeyman   
No, she doesn’t

salsa la vista @salls   
No, she doesn’t

Doing my bestpacito @charli   
No, she doesn’t

peter with a b @yeeterparkour   
😔 betrayed

peter with a b @yeterparkour   
[video of Peter in a car with Rhodey. Peter sees a sign and grins. “Road work ahead? Yeah, I sure hope it does”] I saw this sign with @IronPatriot, aka Rhodey. Couldn’t resist.

better than you @princessshuri   
iconic

peter with a b @yeeterparkour   
AHHHHH I’M GONNA DIE

Nedthaniel @guyinthechair   
when’s the funeral?

emjay @crisissketchbook   
i hope it’s not thursday. im not free thursday.

Harley-Davidson @harleyeehaw   
rip

TStark @IAmIronMan   
You bet you’re gonna die.

peter with a b @yeeterparkour   
currently hiding in a cabinet. send help.

Harley-Davidson @harleyeehaw   
To be fair,,, it  _ is _ your fault

moon moon @cmoon   
wait what did he do?

emjay @crisissketchbook   
[pic of a ruined, fire covered lab] stirred it too fast

moon moon @cmoon   
Damn. welp, see you at the wake.

TStark @IAmIronMan   
Making intern stew tonight

peter with a b @yeeterparkour   
:(

  
  


Nedthaniel @guyinthechair   
Hahahhahahhaha we’re screwed

emjay @crisissketchbook   
it was nice knowing you.

Flash Flash Hundred Yard Dash @notfromDC   
Again? You idiots really never pay attention, do you

abe lincoln @abeyman   
where are you guys?

peter with a b @yeeterparkour   
near the whale. i like whales🐋

better than you @princessshuri   
Are you lost somewhere? What’s going on.

emjay @crisissketchbook   
Yeah, a field trip to the Natural History Museum. Losers got lost.

peter with a b @yeeterparkour   
You wound me, MJ

  
  


That Web Dude @web_slinger   
In case anyone wanted to know, you should never, ever engage in a prank war with @birdarcher and @notapilot. Ever.

Polka Dots @hitormiss   
Spill

Flash Flash Hundred Yard Dash @notfromDC   
You are the coolest person ever.

That Web Dude @web_slinger   
Two words. glitter. cannon.

That Web Dude @web_slinger   
[two pics of Clint’s and Sam’s rooms covered in glitter.]

perfect shot @birdarcher   
I’M GONNA KILL YOU!!!!!!

CaCaw @notapilot   
TONY CAN’T SAVE YOU NOW!!!!!!!

That Web Dude @web_slinger   
[pic of Peter in his Spider-Man suit covered in pie] Man down 😔

Doctor Strange @SorcerorSupreme   
@yeeterparkour, bring my stuff back  _ now _ .

peter with a b @yeeterparkour   
…what stuff? 😶

peter with a b @yeeterparkour   
Okay, a portal opened, I’m scared now uyegfyu gds fy agfyugerdsugu

Flash Flash Hundred Yard Dash @notfromDC   
…what the hell

Nedthaniel @guyinthechair   
dont worry, he’ll live

peter with a b @yeeterparkour   
hfdghgajgh I lived

moon moon @cmoon   
what’d you steal?

peter with a b @yeeterparkour   
… a kiss 😘

Doctor Strange @SorcerorSupreme   
@yeeterparkour has been banned from the sanctum.

peter with a b @yeeterparkour   
Awwwww youre no fun

Nedthaniel @guyinthechair   
There, there

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> comment and it will make my day!!!!


	4. Christ Evans Whomst

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> peter with a b @yeeterparkour  
> no homo, but that chris evans guy is hot

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I FORGOT MONDAY HAPPENED IM SORRY

peter with a b @yeeterparkour  
no homo, but that chris evans guy is hot

peter with a b @yeeterparkour  
JUST LOOK AT HIM

emjay @crisissketchbook  
peter aren’t you. bi.

peter with a b @yeeterparkour  
THAT’S NOT IMPORTANT I HAVE BEEN THIRSTING OVER THIS MAN FOR AN HOUR

peter with a b @yeeterparkour  
HIS ABS

Harley-Davidson @harleyeehaw  
:(

peter with a b @yeeterparkour  
You’re cute too, harley 😘

Harley-Davidson @harleyeehaw  
:)

Bird Watcher @whosonfirst  
@yeeterparkour saying no homo but actually being homo is mood. [rt]

Bi-bi @lucymhall  
rt

Chris Evans @ChrisEvans  
why am i trending

The Avengers @AvengersOfficial  
We’re having a QnA on Twitter with all the avengers! Ask away!

TStark @IAmIronMan  
Stop tweeting at me to ask what my skincare routine is

My Arm Is A Magnet @whitewolf  
I don't know what ‘kinning’ is and at this point i’m too scared to ask

perfect shot @birdarcher  
If i could, i would put ALL of you on watchlists

green guy @DrBruceBanner  
I’ve answered all the science questions I could! I’ll try and answer some more later!

That Web Dude @web_slinger  
guys im not an avenger calm down with the q&as

wE bEeN kNeW @sbiderwoman  
@russianroulette what is the most badass thing you’ve done?

your worst nightmare @russianroulette  
@sbiderwoman some guy was being a douche, so i pulled out a knife from my combat boots and decided to practice a little knife tossing right by his face

graceeee @angelgirlie  
@birdarcher how did you get so good at archery? 😍

perfect shot @birdarcher  
@angelgirlie practice. I practiced 70 hours a week for several years

perfect shot @birdarcher  
oh my god i’ve wasted my life

peter with a b @yeeterparkour  
@notapilot are you a pilot?

CaCaw @notapilot  
@yeeterparkour no

watch your effin language @stfugtfoidgaf  
@lightninggod what is your favorite Earth animal?

thunderer @lightninggod  
@stfugtfoidgaf I am quite fond of the retrievers of gold! They are very fuzzy.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> AAAAAAAAA


	5. Deadpool’s Back!!!!!

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Immortality Sucks @ogredandblack  
> i’m back in NYC losers

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> every week monday passes and every week i forget to update this story

Immortality Sucks @ogredandblack   
i’m back in NYC losers

Immortality Sucks @ogredandblack   
Man the flight back sucked. But I’m here!

That Web Dude @web_slinger   
Deadpool!!!!! You’re back!!!!!

Immortality Sucks @ogredandblack   
hey, spider kid

That Web Dude @web_slinger   
see you during patrol!!!

TStark @IAmIronMan   
Kid. Stop hanging out with Deadpool. No.

Immortality Sucks @ogredandblack   
why not :((((((((((

TStark @IAmIronMan   
you’re dangerous and a bad influence

Immortality Sucks @ogredandblack   
But i like spider-man! I promise to keep him saaafee

TStark @IAmIronMan   
NO

SPIDER-MAN REPLIED TO ME @excitemintmya*s   
spideypool is my new otp. 😊

That Web Dude @web_slinger   
actually, i’m already in a relationship, but thanks ig.

That Web Dude @web_slinger   
also, can you change your name?

Spidey’s #1 Fan @excitemintmya*s   
😮 you replied again? im shook. i have fulfilled all my goals. i am ready for the sweet release of death. #passthebleach.

ded @deadoralive   
addy, no

Immortality Sucks @ogredandblack   
[pic of Deadpool with Spiderman] with my spider friend @web_slinger

Harley-Davidson @harleyeehaw   
@ogredandblack has anyone ever told you your handle looks like it says ogred and black

Immortality Sucks @ogredandblack   
SHUT UP SHUT UP SHUT U

**Trending**

#ITChapterThree

Annaheim, CA  _ trending with  _ **_fire_ **

Avengers Q&A

#ogredandblack  _ trending with  _ **_Shrekpool_ **

audreyyy @spider_man   
so how do @web_slinger and @ogredandblack know each other 🤔 🤔 🤔

That Web Dude @web_slinger   
We took down some drug ring together then he told me “nice work kid” and left. #antiheroesarethebestheroes

Polka Dots @hitormiss   
It was one of the largest drug cartels in Queens. Give yourself some credit spidey!

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> i made a tumblr woo but u wont find much (any) marvel content on there. I've moved on. marvel is irrelevant and i hate this story so much but by GOD I'll finish this rewrite
> 
> my tungle: [starcloud-nova](https://starcloud-nova.tumblr.com/)


	6. *puppy eyes intensify*

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> peter with a b @yeeterparkour  
> I love walking around central park!
> 
> peter with a b @yeeterparkour  
> Hang on i found something-
> 
> peter with a b @yeeterparkour  
> wait-

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> eyyyy i got an update in on time 😎

peter with a b @yeeterparkour   
I love walking around central park!

peter with a b @yeeterparkour   
Hang on i found something-

peter with a b @yeeterparkour   
wait-

peter with a b @yeeterparkour   
@IAmIronMan look! I found a squirrel! *turns on puppy eyes* [pic of a red squirrel]

TStark @IAmIronMan   
No. Absolutely not.

may-be @mparker   
Peter, honey, our apartment doesn’t allow pets.

peter with a b @yeeterparkour   
@IAmIronMan i found an injured squirrel!!!!!! Injured!!!!! How can you say no to this face!!!!!!!! *puppy eyes intensify* [pic]

Harley-Davidson @harleyeehaw   
I think he’s ignoring your tweets lmao

peter with a b @yeeterparkour   
@IAmIronMan mister starrrrrrrkkkkkkkkkk :((((((((

TStark @IAmIronMan   
Fine. I can’t believe I’m saying this, but you can keep him. Just get him immunized and  _ make sure he stays away from me _ .

peter with a b @yeeterparkour   
THANK YOU THANK YOU THANK YOU

peter with a b @yeeterparkour   
😊his name is Fox and he is my child. [pic]

Nedthaniel @guyinthechair   
I leave for five minutes-

Nedthaniel @guyinthechair   
WHEN DID YOU GET A PET SQUIRREL

peter with a b @yeeterparkour   
[pic of Peter grinning and showing off Fox with Harley rolling his eyes fondly] with my two favorite boys @harleyeehaw

Flash Flash Hundred Yard Dash @notfromDC   
…what

peter with a b @yeeterparkour

squirrel!

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> as much as i loathe this story it's surprisingly cathartic to edit my old chapters lmaoo
> 
> ah, the memories. what a young and naive child i was. 
> 
> ijefih if you're one of my OG readers:  
> what was your favorite chapter of the last one (i swear to god no one better say 8-)
> 
> anyways PEACE ✌️


	7. The Bucky-Peter Dynamic (ft bullying spidey)

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> My Arm Is A Magnet @whitewolf  
> The first time @web_slinger met me, he turned bright red and called me “Mr. Winter Soldier Bucky White Wolf Man Sir” and @CaptainRogers laughed so hard he cried.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I FORGOT IT WAS MONDAY IM SORRY

Bell Pepper @ppotts   
[video of Peter and Bucky talking in the kitchen. Peter is sitting on the counter, petting Fox, who is sitting on his shoulder, and Bucky is wearing an apron and is pulling out cookies from an oven. There is a slip of paper on Bucky’s arm, attached with a magnet. The paper is a grocery list, full of mundane, everyday things. The entire scene is strangely domestic.] shhhh @yeeterparkour @whitewolf

yes @fandomlyhappened   
Is this real. Is this real life.

My Arm Is A Magnet @whitewolf   
what can I say? I stress bake.

My Arm Is A Magnet @whitewolf   
The first time @web_slinger met me, he turned bright red and called me “Mr. Winter Soldier Bucky White Wolf Man Sir” and @CaptainRogers laughed so hard he cried.

green guy @DrBruceBanner   
oh, I remember that. it was hilarious. 😂

That Web Dude @web_slinger   
dude y u expose me?

audreyyy @spider_man   
  


That Web Dude @web_slinger   
traitor.

Bi-bi @lucymhall   
iHJ3IORHFUOFHUOHUH WHO KNEW SPIDEY WAS SUCH A NERDDDDD

missyen @loseing_th3m   
HERFIUERH RIGHT???????

Mr. Winter Soldier Bucky White Wolf Man Sir @SpideyWatch   
In a viral tweet by @whitewolf , the Winter Soldier and a figure close to the Avengers, it is revealed that Spider-Man got excessively flustered upon meeting said hero    
spideywatch.com/345354636/spider-man-winter-man-sir 

That Web Dude @web_slinger   
this is LIES and SLANDER 

That Web Dude @web_slinger   
sHUT UP SHUT UP SHTU UP 

That Web Dude @web_slinger   
stop making memes im gonna cry

That Web Dude @web_slinger   
AHHHHHHHHHH

Flash Flash Hundred Yard Dash @notfromDC   
guys, spidey said stop okay?

TStark @IAmIronMan   
@web_slinger still refuses to call me by my first name it’s always “mister stark” this and “mister stark” that

That Web Dude @web_slinger   
fcku u

That Web Dude @web_slinger   
I Am No Longer Associated With The Avengers

red magic @scarywitchgirl   
:(

That Web Dude @web_slinger   
I Am Now Associated With The Avengers

  
red magic @scarywitchgirl   
:)

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> remember when i said i wanted to get every chapter to 1k? hahaha i was so stupid


	8. Sus people :squint:

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> The Daily Bulge @TheDailyBulge  
> Tony Stark was seen walking through Midtown with his intern Peter Parker. People ask, is there something more? www.thedailybulge.com/tony-stark-son

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> hhhhheeeeeeeello
> 
> its me im back i have chapter

The Daily Bugle @TheDailyBugle  
Tony Stark was seen walking through Midtown with his intern Peter Parker. People ask, is there something more? www.thedailybulge.com/tony-stark-son

peter with a b @yeeterparkour  
me: making my way downtown, walking fast  
*sees Daily Bulge*  
walking faster

TStark @IAmIronMan  
sorry you have to deal with that kid

holden @goddam  
Kid??? As in… son??? As in… secret child??? 🔍

emjay @crisissketchbook  
@goddam piss off

peter with a b @yeeterparkour  
have you considered… leaving me alone… and giving me privacy…

excalibur @swordmansupreme  
As a figure in the public eye you gave up all your privacy the second you gave away your identity

peter with a b @yeeterparkour  
i’m a minor????? wtf???????

peter with a b @yeeterparkour  
might have to go private

Polka Dots @hitormiss  
Imagine bullying a little kid so much he has to DEACTIVATE HIS SOCIAL MEDIA

Stark Industries @SIOfficial  
Stark Industries would like to state that there is no biological or lawful relation between Tony Stark and Peter Parker. Anyone harassing Peter Parker will be sued in the court of law by both Stark Industries and Tony Stark. Thank you.

  
TStark @IAmIronMan  
Don’t mess with me.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> @ minors out there, pls dont give our ur real name/age/address any of that shit it seems obvious but also DONT some kids do not know this THAT PERSON UR TALKING TO ON TWT IS NOT UR FRIEND
> 
> aight I'm out


	9. Where's Peter?

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> peter goes missing D:

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> me this morning getting ready for school: oh its a Monday! ill update right when i get on my computer :)  
> me, several hours later: FUCK

Harley-Davidson @harleyeehaw   
hmmmmmmmm

Harley-Davidson @harleyeehaw   
Has anyone seen @yeeterparkour? He was supposed to meet up with me two hours ago, but he isn’t responding to any of my calls or texts.

TStark @IAmIronMan   
Call me.

emjay @crisissketchbook   
i hope he’s okay

Flash Flash Hundred Yard Dash @notfromDC   
he better just be lost

Nedthaniel @guyinthechair   
@IAmIronMan he’s not responding to me either

NYPD @nypd   
[pic of Peter] 17-year-old Peter Parker, intern to tech icon Tony Stark, went missing at approximately 5:30pm Eastern time on January 11, 2021. He was last seen walking through Queens. Anyone with information is urged to call the NYPD or Stark Industries with information. 

  
may-be @mparker  
Please, find my baby. Please.  
1 K rt 587 likes

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> mmmm comment owo


	10. There's Peter

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> a spider is found <3

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> for my american readers, happy MLK day !!!!!

NYPD @nypd   
Update on the Peter Parker case: Tony Stark has received a ransom note and proof of life via phone call. Again, we ask people with information to tell the proper authorities.

marianne @ophaslostallsanity   
Aaahhhh im so worried for peter parker

Bird Watcher @whosonfirst   
same 😰

Stark Industries @SIOffcial   
Stark Industries would like to ask the people of New York to step forward with any information regarding Peter Parker.

NBC New York @NBCNewYork   
This just in: Iron Man was seen flying into a warehouse in the direction of The Bronx 15 minutes ago. www.nbcnewyork.com/789402853/iron-man-warehouse-bronx

Stark Industries @SIOfficial   
Stark Industries would like to announce that Peter Parker has been found. Thank you to all who sent in information and condolences.

peter with a b @yeeterparkour   
i’m alive bitches

  
peter with a b @yeeterparkour   
[pic of Tony asleep by Peter’s side with Fox on his shoulder] even further proof that tony stark has a heart @IAmIronMan

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> i was gonna say something here but i forgot what. uhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh stay in school kids


	11. The Best Things in Life Are Found Behind Chipotles™

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Peter finds a cat. Tony is not impressed

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> hellllloooo im back and with an on time update!

peter with a b @yeeterparkour   
i was behind a chipotle with Harley and I saw a little kitten!!!!!! [pic]

salsa la vista @sallyyy   
awwwww

Nedthaniel @guyinthechair   
good cat!!!!!!!

emjay @crisissketchbook   
why were you behind a chipotle lmao

peter with a b @yeeterparkour   
it was skinny and lonely and meowing and sad :((((((

TStark @IAmIronMan   
I don’t like where this is going…

peter with a b @yeeterparkour   
I took it to Stark Tower and got it some milk [pic]

TStark @IAmIronMan   
We’ve already got a pet, kid

peter with a b @yeeterparkour   
i ran into @russianroulette and the kitten  _ loved _ her. Nat came up with the  _ perfect _ name for her: Meet Tatiana!!! A name that has nothing to do with any piece of media!!!!!! [pic]

your worst nightmare @russianroulette   
it suits her

TStark @IAmIronMan   
No. No, no, no. No.

moon moon @cmoon   
So cute!

salsa la vista @salls   
😻

peter with a b @yeeterparkour   
then Fox came over, and I don’t think ‘ana likes him… [blurry pic of Fox scampering away from Tatiana]

TStark @IAmIronMan   
Oh no, she doesn’t like Fox, guess the cat’ll have to go.

cap’in @CaptainRogers   
C’mon, lay off him Tony

peter with a b @yeeterparkour   
and now I’m at the vet getting her checked [pic]

TStark @IAmIronMan   
Shes getting checked and then going back onto the streets

emjay @crisissketchbook   
Shut up, she’s staying

better than you @princessshuri   
@realkingofwakanda look, it’s your doppelgänger

peter with a b @yeeterparkour   
she is a 15 week old Scottish Fold. Underweight. i signed the adoption papers. She’s mine. @IAmIronMan order cat stuff

TStark @IAmIronMan   
How does he keep doing this…

may-be @mparker   
~it shall forever remain a mystery~

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> having vivid flashbacks to when i first wrote this. why.


	12. But Really, Who Is He?

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> peter is being stalked on twt. again.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> i keep forgetting this fic exists lmao

entrinpots @plestraina   
I know @IAmIronMan threatened to sue everyone if we talked about his intern, but who is he???

enemy of the state @leeaokwn   
we know @yeeterparkour knows the Avengers, he’s an intern, and a sucker when it comes to animals. but he isn’t tony stark’s son…

shit hittin different @elemenohpee   
@leeaokwn he’s really smart, goes to some special school. He’s on the Academic Decathlon team, too.

peter with a b @yeeterparkour   
hacking is a crime.

shit hittin different @elemenohpee   
Shi-

Stark Industries @SIOfficial   
Stark Industries would like to remind people that anyone attempting to find out more information about Peter Parker will have legal action taken against them.

peter with a b @yeeterparkour   
i got KIDNAPPED and no one is taking me seriously

Harley-Davidson @harleyeehaw   
😔

That Web Dude @web_slinger   
hey if you don’t respect other people and their boundaries you can gtfo. seriously. unfollow me. right now.

That Web Dude @web_slinger   
oh? they’re a public figure? Why tf does that change anything theyre still human and have human rights

  
peter with a b @yeeterparkour   
for the last time, please leave me alone.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> love urselves, or face my sword of affection.


	13. Smh Peter, smh

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> peter reveals his secret to may. on accident.

That Web Dude @web_slinger   
[pic of Spider-Man posing with Aunt May] I love taking selfies with the people I save @mparker

Nedthaniel @guyinthechair   
dude, im laughing so hard rn 😂

peter with a b @yeeterparkour   
she says her nephew is Tony Stark’s intern

may-be @mparker   
Peter?

THIS TWEET HAS BEEN DELETED

Harley-Davidson @harleyeehaw   
HOUWQHDUOERHF DYING RN ouhou uohwuoechewuoOIHDSCOU

emjay @crisissketchbook   
We stan a himbo

Nedthaniel @guyinthechair   
Ojhouhrfiurehfiuhreuvhureh o7

DMs with @mparker

peter with a b: uhhhhhh

may-be: you’re spiderman

peter with a b: uhhhhhh I’m jared, 19

may-be: I kind of knew all along

peter with a b: w

may-be: I love you, but you are terrible at keeping secrets

peter with a b: waht

okay valid

are you mad?

may-be: no

may-be: I’m proud

peter with a b: 😊

may-be: but you are grounded

peter with a b: damn it

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> <3


	14. Peter Pranks People

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> peter with a b @yeeterparkour  
> You ever wonder about your life’s mistakes

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> this chapter got a COMPLETE rewrite; everything here is new

peter with a b @yeeterparkour   
You ever wonder about your life’s mistakes

peter with a b @yeeterparkour   
hah maybe i  _ shouldn’t have _ done this

peter with a b @yeeterparkour   
oh well lmao too late

perfect shot @birdarcher   
@yeeterparkour i’m going to  _ kill you _

red magic @scarywitchgirl   
murder on my mind

TStark @IAmIronMan   
I think i will take my suit for a test run today :) maybe make intern stew later

the falcon @notapilot   
It seems the time for plan 3-B.12 has come

peter with a b @yeeterparkour   
I may or may not have pranked the avengers

Harley-Davidson @harleyeehaw   
rest in peace babe 😔🙏 you will be missed

peter with a b @yeeterparkour   
If you used the showers this morning no you didn’t <3

red magic @scarywitchgirl   
my HAIR is BLUE

the falcon @notapilot   
[pic of helium balloons at the ceiling of a bedroom. there’s glitter on the ground.]   
Every time you pop one, they explode with glitter

the falcon @notapilot   
IT’S FINE GLITTER. EXTRA FINE.

perfect shot @birdarcher   
My arrows…my poor, innocent arrows… they’re RUINED

perfect shot @birdarcher   
[image of arrows with feathers superglued to them. every part of the arrow. arrows where there shouldn’t be.]   
THERE IS NO WAY THIS WILL FLY

TStark @IAmIronMan   
@yeeterparkour tell me where the coffee is 

TStark @IAmIronMan   
What kind of a monster leaves only the decaf

emjay @crisissketchbook   
@yeeterparkour ‘s funeral will be this saturday at the site of his first love, the mathnasium center

Nedthaniel @guyinthechair   
He was a good friend and an even better person to cheat off of 😭😭😭😭😭😭✊ rip

[several hours later]

peter with a b @yeeterparkour   
Mistakes were made today. But they sure as hell were funny

peter with a b @yeeterparkour   
I pranked the avengers

better than you @princessshuri   
And what did it cost?

peter with a b @yeeterparkour   
_ everything _

in space @gamora   
what


	15. The Best Memes are Dead Memes

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> old, dead memes

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> and today on "nova forgets its monday and they have to update:" i forgot it was monday guys
> 
> complete rewrite this one!

The kids are dead @chipminkle  
[image ID: egg]  
3.2 M rt 3.3 M likes

wut @whoevenareyou  
*glues instant ramen to depression* all better:)  
1.1 M rt 957 K likes

theres webs in my hair @web_slinger  
mugger: give me all your money or die by my sword  
kid being robbed: *does the worm*  
2.5 M rt 1.9 M likes

emjay @crisissketchbook  
Walked in on my brother editing something from hell on his computer

emjay @crisissketchbook  
this 

marianne @ophaslostallsanity  
some of you have never had an alien attack your hometown and still have to go to school and it shows  
2.8 M rt 2.1 M likes

Polka Dots @hitormiss  
my cat fucking on top of the fridge at 3 am begging me to feed her like i didnt give her food 4 hours ago

Polka Dots @hitormiss  
[image ID: an unusually smug cat] bastard 

yes @fandomlyhappened  
[image ID internet explorer icon sitting in an airplane]

  
on my way to raid area 51 guys!!!!

the detective @oldmansyndrome  
Stop asking me if i have 2020 vision!!!!!!!! I am blind!!!!!!!!

hey siri how do you get blood out of your clothes? @ogredandblack  
No one had 2020 vision 😔

theres webs in my hair @web_slinger  
Thats so ominous wtf


	16. #SpideySavedMyDay

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> #SpideySavedMyDay is trending on twitter

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I MISSED THE UPDATE YESTERDAY
> 
> I DONT THINK THIS CHAPTER HAS CHANGED MUCH SORRY

aksjdhhs @kiorran   
Today, I was walking home from the library when a crazy guy with a gun cornered me. Spider-Man swooped in and saved me and I am too grateful. The Avengers may save  _ the _ day, but Spidey saved  _ my _ day. #SpideySavedMyDay

Sunny @cinnamoninhotchocolate   
Spider-Man helped me find my brother and sister. I am so thankful, especially since I’m pretty weak looking lol #SpideySavedMyDay

bravery is me @huhyeah   
Spider-Man brought me my missing daughter after the police forces failed. My baby and I are thankful. #SpideySavedMyDay [pic of her w her daughter]

Brenda @BrendaM   
Spider-Man helped me with my groceries when he saw me struggling. My husband recently passed away and I’ve been having a hard time without him. #SpideySavedMyDay

already tracer @theoriginalhandleforthispersonwasNovaandthatsactuallyopsnamenowlol   
Spider-Man helped me get my kitten from a tree. Shadow is meowing his thanks. #SpideySavedMyDay [pic of Shadow]

rosey @the_flower_girl   
Spider-Man talked to my screaming toddler, calming him down. I had been trying to get him to be quiet for an hour, and my ears and patience thank him. #SpideySavedMyDay

snowwy @summer_grant   
As I ran away from my abusive brother chasing me, I saw Spider-Man. He apprehended my older brother and took me to safety. @web_slinger if you remember me, Summer says hi. #SpideySavedMyDay

Spidey Stan @frozenchaos9   
Spider-Man rescued me and 3 other children from our burning apartment building. We all got out with minor burns and were treated for smoke inhalation just as the whole thing collapsed. #SpideySavedMyDay

peter with an x @yeeterparkour   
*opens twitter* oh

peter with an x @yeeterparkour   
brb crying

  
That Web Dude @web_slinger   
When I opened twitter this morning to scroll through, I did not expect to be trending. I am blown away by all your kind words. It’s always just another day when I rescue people and I never expected thank-yous. It was my pleasure serving the people of Queens. #SpideySavedMyDay


	17. bill wurtz takeover

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> peter with an x @yeeterparkour  
> hey whatever happened to the history of the world i guess guy

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> y'all need to fucking remind me when it's monday whfueohjfuehfuerfr
> 
> completely new chapter! fresh off the google doc!

peter with an x @yeeterparkour   
hey whatever happened to the history of the world i guess guy

peter with an x @yeeterparkour   
BILL WURTZ his name is bill wurtz

Nedthaniel @guyinthechair   
@yeeterparkour  _ how did this happen _

peter with an x @yeeterparkour   
A LONG TIME AGO

peter with an x @yeeterparkour   
(actually,  _ never) _

emjay @crisissketchbook   
Why is my tl filled with the two nerds quoting bill wurtz back and forth

Harley-Davidson @harleyeehaw   
i think i'm dying but i'm just being born

emjay @crisissketchbook   
Wonderful

better than us @princessshuri   
I wonder if soap comes from the natural process of evolution or if it was a gift from God?

better than us @princessshuri   
🙃

theres webs in my lasagna @web_slinger   
i’m rollinnnnn down the lonneeeeelllly roaddddd

theres webs in my lasagna @web_slinger   
WAIT i just had a genius idea

theres webs in my lasagna @web_slinger   
texting someone brb

TStark @IAmIronMan   
People come up to me all the time and say “Tony, why is everything so  _ dumb _ and  _ stupid. _ ” and it’s a great question, and i’ll answer it for you all.

cap’in @CaptainRogers   
Have you ever been betrayed, abandoned, or otherwise made an incoherent fool out of?

perfect shot @birdarcher   
the moon is made of cheese but i cant taste it:(

your worst nightmare @russianrouletter   
I’m best friends with my own front door

bill wurtz @billwurtz   
i wish i had some bread to go with my screwdriver

  
theres webs in my lasagna @web_slinger   
My work here is complete

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> all quotes are from bill himself babey 😎

**Author's Note:**

> My [tumblr](https://starcloud-nova.tumblr.com/)


End file.
